Haha. Don’t specifically have much to say right now, what with crazy-ass deadlines and shite.

Tell the truth, I’m pretty buggered this time round, and I needed to blow off some steam and calm down and think. Clearly and rationally for once, not like the sleep-deprived, caf-addicted lunatic I’ve become. … Yeah, that’s news.

Copyright July 4th, 2010 – Nikolas Ilykovich

The sky’s black as thunder but no rain is falling

I’m caught in the cracks, finding a way out

Looking for you but I never see you at all

You hide behind your smiles

Sleek mirror-smooth never-there

When I needed you (and I still do).

Words are empty and so are you.

You tell me “See you.” with that same cocky grin

And stride off – leaving me the dregs

Of dust and disappointment and love (can I even call it that?

But no – love’s a heartbreaker; I’m nothing, with nothing left to break.)

And traces and traces of something

Lost and never found.

Copyright July 4th, 2010 – Nikolas Ilykovich

A/N: Cross posted to the Other Side on the interwebs.

It ish Fic time! I do so loves my Vincent Valentine, oh yesh. Hojo can go jump in a mako reactor and get burnt to a KFC crisp. Cross-posted on ff.net, under nightmistral.

Disclaimer: I don’t own FF7. All mentioned characters in the fanfiction are the property of Square Enix. This work is solely for entertainment purposes, and is not to be used for commercial intents, nor reproduced under other’s names, nor posted on other sites.

IF YOU SHOULD FEEL THE NEED TO LINK/COPY THIS, PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT. THANK YOU. ^^

Bon appetit.

~Nikolas

He dreamt. It was a whirl of whites and blacks and greys, this world of in-betweens where sleep became dreams and dreams, death. No time, just the slow tread of memory until even the real world faded away.

It made no sense. Perhaps it wasn’t meant to make sense. He wasn’t sure anymore. Snippets of conversations and faces slipped by, so muffled and muddled he couldn’t catch them. Fragments of… something. He couldn’t remember. Only that he had to forget.

The same thing, over and over again, dogging his dreams relentlessly – and he didn’t even recall it happening. A woman, brown-haired, soft-eyed, crying her heart out. In the background, a pony-tailed, bespectacled man stood, sneering. Both were dressed in white lab coats, yet he disliked the man as intensely as the woman drew him.

Then the world would swirl green and chokingly cold. It was then that the woman would die. And he could only watch as she convulsed and grew still. Being helpless… not being to do anything, even shout for assistance – riled him. The anger surprised him. It was the strongest emotion he had ever felt in such a long time. Time… did that even exist anymore, he wondered dully. Or had the world ceased to spin on its axis and lost its place in the cosmos?

Now it was a different dream. He watched as the woman fell to the floor again, but this time she did not fade away. Instead it was a different face that looked out at him, all cold steel and naked brutality. Alien. Invulnerable. He recoiled despite himself, closing his eyes to shut out the sight. Tried to scream, but no sound came from parched lips.

But it continued. Flames, flickering red against an ebony sky. Silver hair and cat-green eyes, malevolent and bitter. The figure turned to look at him and it was his face, glaring back at him through the ages.

Then it spoke, “I am your son.”

And his world shattered.

When he wakes, at long last, it is to a different time. And to a future that perhaps he will change. He does not know. But he has found his name at last, and he knows what he must do.

The coffin lid slides open, and light streams in, light as he has not seen in many, many years.

asdjklfgwiefnweofweocpdsmvsfvgorfnv

*general incoherence*

Have I mentioned how much I hate PW? No? Then let me say this: the person who invented PW should be stabbed mulitple times with a blunt, rusty knife. And then boiled in hot oil.

College is just WHOAH where did all that time go?

But Hamlet is AWESOME.

On the other not-so-good hand, Wide Sargasso Sea is deeply puzzling and vague. ‘But it kept its secret.’ 1) What? Just? Happenned? 2) Where? Who? Why? 3) There’s a secret? Just hang on a mo’, EBRYTING IS NOT IRIE. Run that by me again… please?

Economics… blows my mind away. Then it picks me up by the ears and flings me into BP’s oil slick = agonising, drawn-out death.

Biology: plumb the mysteries of DNA polymerase I and III, fail all my practical assessments and write ‘Okazaki fragments’ as ‘Ohno fragments’ (>_<)  Gomen nasai, Riida!

ELL is fun. In a belated sort of way, which includes shuffling, nose-blowing and head-pounding against the nearest available hard object.

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S THE HOLIDAYS ALREADY AND ALL MY HARD-LAID PLANS ARE GOING TO WASTE. D:

But at least I’ll have Arashi merchandise to look forward to. YEEHAH.

It’s 1:02 AM where I am now. I haven’t finished my analysis of Hamlet yet, nor my Economics tutorial, nor my PW.

In other words: DEADLINES SLAY ME DEAD.

BUT I WILL SURVIVE. SOMEHOW.

I ALWAYS DO. *crosses fingers*

Which is why I’m changing. Or trying to change, anyway. It’s a new year, and the start of a new decade. Time to let the light in and clean up.

So, yeah  - the first thing to go was all the emo posts this year. I was being stupid and self-indulgent by throwing my own pity parties, when there were so many other things I had to do which I neglected in favour of buttering my own ego.

The next was the blogskin. Too dark, too opressive, and if anything, downright depressing. D: I love Vincent, and will always love him, but seriously he’s been up as my header for more than a year already. Time to give him a bit of a rest, I think.

To be honest, I don’t exactly like this blogskin, but it’ll have to wait until I find something else that I actually like.

On another note, the holidays are FINALLY HERE.

I’m enjoying the all-too-rare privilege of waking up at 9 am again.

I really live too far away from college, I usually have to wake up at 6 every morning just to travel to the West. Argh. But, for the sake of academia and ‘A’s, I have no choice but to persevere.

I’ve been clearing up my room over the past few days. It’s shocking how I actually managed to sleep, study and stone in it given the amount of dust, dirt, clutter and various unidentifiable insect carcasses that have somehow collected in the corners. Blame school. I wake up in the morning, feeling so crappy, head to college, engage in CCA, and come back well past sundown, exhausted. Weekends are spent mugging and/or recovering from the week’s horrors.

On the matter of Arsenal, I will always continue to support them no matter what, though I admit I will be disappointed if Fabregas leaves, since he is so key to Arsenal’s midfield. :/ I’ve been praying and hoping that when push comes to shove, he’ll stay and prove himself a true red-and-white Gunner.

Okay, that’s it for now.

Peace.

Nikolas

I’ve moved on quite a bit, but I haven’t been able to let go of this blog. So I’ve come back to resuscitate it and keep it alive for my own rantings about how unfair life is.

College is fun and exciting and a strange new beast altogther –  a bunch of quirks and insecurities and complexities rolled together into one. It’s strangely addictive despite being so exhausting that I only get a maximum of 5 hours of sleep per day. It doesn’t particularly help when you’ve got classmates who are workahokics cum party animals and who are totally crazy out of lessons.

I’ve got a feeling that I’m biting off more than I can chew – FOUR full H2s, and FOUR CCAS. Plus I’m going for Paramore concert in Sunday, ah yeah. I can’t seem to make up my mind, hence the retarded smiley faces which never used to appear that frequently in my previous blog posts. I think the number of activities which I keep and those I drop depends utterly on the try-outs. If I get in, then I’ll obviously have to rearrange my priorities and commitments such that sports gravitates towards the top of the list. If I don’t, then that’s a load off my mind. I’m just going to give my best and not think so much about “damn, I’m gonna miss”

So, yeah, be seeing y’all around!

~Nikolas

My heart grows cold

I do not think – no, I am definite

That I cannot love you.

They say we are of the same blood

So we should look out after each other

With love and care and concern –

All of which, needless to say

Don’t exist between us.

It’s a careful dance, what we do

Gliding between ghosts of mines

And ducking the shrapnel

That flies whenever we meet.

An uneasy truce is what it is

That binds me to you

And even then that cannot last

Love and loyalty have no place in war

Against the tattered backdrop of a raging sky

And the fading whisper of what could be.

I’m sorry.

But I can’t forgive, and I certainly can’t forget.

A/N:  To the person who I’m writing this about, if you ever find this, which is extremely unlikely, there’s no offence intended. This is just how I feel about you because there is no way I’ll ever be able to relate properly to you, even if we are related. I hope that you’ll be able to understand someday how you made me feel – you’re part of the reason why I want to get away from home so badly.

Nikolas

Frankly, I’ve never felt so relieved nor so full of trepidation in my whole entire life. It’s hard to believe that I can actually come to miss the place where I had to mug and sweat and cry out four entire years to stay at the head of the pack, but there you are.

I miss it already,even before the end of the year. I miss those days of frantically cramming before the infamous weekly, never-ending tests, the Everests of homework I had to conquer – and admittedly, most times just copied off blatantly, the fun times I had talking with my friends, friends whom I probably will never see again but will always remember, the pranks we played together and on each other, or just the times we spammed in the freezing com labs, the nicknames we bandied around, the dreaded oral examinations and science practicals, even the times when we got into trouble with the teachers and got scolded to within an inch of our lives, and also, the torturous moments just before we entered the school hall to take the national finals, the frenzied mugging and clinging to our notes like drowning rats, or the grudges I have that seem so petty and pointless now that I’ve left the school….

The list could go on forever and ever and ever. And even though when asked, I’ll always lie and say my four years in school were akin to staying in a hellhole, in truth, it’s all been worth it. I’ll never forget the bonds that I forged and those I broke, the unique culture there and the care that some (though not all) my teachers lavished on me, the things that I did, and most importantly, learned from the people there – that not of academia but of selflessness, generosity and service, qualities which I’ll try to ensure stay with me throughout my life.

So this is what I want to say to my school and those that have helped me over the years – thank you. Thank you for your time and energy invested in explaining things to me, supporting me and encouraging me. Thank you for your love and care and kindness, and thank you for always being there for me, rain or shine or through my crying jags. Thank you for keeping me on track and not leaving me there out in the cold, all alone. Thank you for being my guide and friend and advisor. And I’ll try my best to give my all in everything I do, just as you all taught me.

So yes, this is it. Goodbye and I love you all. I’ll never forget you, never. And I’ll always come back, whenever I can.

red sky in the morning, sailor’s warning.

Yet it seems not so, not here so high up

Where glass and steel meet sky.

The sun sinks, as it always does

Steaming crimson in the fog of night

And then, alone, I think of you.

For you I would have given the world,

Plucked the stars leave the night blinded

And weave them, a shining crown

Fit for  a king.

But you were always so much more.

For you I would have sold my soul

Walked through  the fire, damned for eternity

Only the song of gold proved sweeter to win me over.

But you would have waited even so.

Wouldn’t you?

For you I would have gone on my knees

Begged you to stay, the better half of me

And to let me go in your stead

To face the demons in the dark

Fought all your fears and never let you go -

But I thought you would always be there.

Until you weren’t.

Here lies what is mine -

An empire spanning east to west

Riches in my right hand,

Power in my left

Ten years of bloodshed,

The world once again at my feet.

I promised you I would rebuild

And so I have

Stone by stone

Inch by inch

Reclaimed by blood-soaked guile.

But even a ruler, however powerful

Has need of a friend.

My kingdom  stands proud today

A thousand times higher

A thousand  times  stronger.

But I stand alone.

Where are you?

I give now what should have been given

Ten years ago under the rust-red sky

For you I give my life –

And, as the sky darkens above

Hope that it’s enough.

A/N:

Heh. Just trying to write again after so long. Personally, I’m not too impressed by this and hope to improve it. I’m going back to FF7 after a six month hiatus… I think, since this was from Rufus’s POV after Tseng was (allegedly) killed by the Remnants. And obviously, with all the stuff I write, it deviates majorly from the main plot.:( Hmph.

I’ve rediscovered Franz Ferdinand again, and boy are they good. There’s nothing better than toiling over E Maths with This Fire blaring on the ipod, and when Walk Away comes on, the house goes down. *flails and worships* Damn I wish that I could play the drums like Paul Thomson does. And that Franz Ferdinand would come to Singapore. And that Alex Kapranos would fling me his guitar. / // Anything to get away from here and now.

There. 8D *beams muzzily* Voila! And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, a completely useless post.

And now I must decapitate myself because I have wasted my time writing rubbish instead of mugging. Adieu, fair friends.